


i know if i go, i'll die happy tonight

by jyanchabin



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Beaches, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lost Love, M/M, Poverty, Rich/Poor Dynamic, new beginnings??, this is just sad tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-29 01:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19819720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jyanchabin/pseuds/jyanchabin
Summary: Wonshik's endulging in a painfully pleasant rendezvous with the only place that he'd ever felt nurtured in during his dismal life.Even if the only one who'd shown him love is long, long gone by now.---(Posted as part of the VIXX Summer Mirage Fest!!)





	i know if i go, i'll die happy tonight

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone! ya gurl is finally, FINALLY back with a fic!! something pretty self-indulgently angsty tbh, so hope along for this very depressing beach ride lmao
> 
> this fic was written in honour of the wonderful [VIXX Summer Mirage Fest](https://twitter.com/V_summermirage), and too was grossly inspired by Lana Del Rey's iconic 'Summertime Sadness' - and hopefully that shows 😂
> 
> happy reading folks!!!

He didn’t know how long he’d been acquainted with this patch of Sangju Beach, nor the amount of times that he’d drunken, driven and smoked his woes away down this familiar terrain of land over the years.

The flaxen sand, as tanned yet just as drained and sickly of colour as Wonshik’s complexion had become, sank and settled irritably in between the webs of his toes with each treacherous, bare-footed step towards the horizon, practically scalding against the soles of his naked feet.

The desolate beach carried with it a nauseatingly humid air that evening, weighing upon all five of his senses with a disgustingly damp warmth that offered no solace, nor comfort. Instead, it adhered all over exposed skin, ruptured his breathing and sent his head into a complete daze, causing every movement of his to become weighted, as if he’d been a clattering of limbs in motion rather than a fully functioning creature.

Even the distant calling of gulls merely acted as a mimicry of the maddening thoughts that had echoed inside of his head whenever pitifully sober like this - repetitive, predictable yet altogether unavoidable. Ever since his life had felt absent of any movement, sense, or purpose whatsoever.

He’d even questioned whether staying inside his Chevrolet Bel Air would have been better than letting himself indulge upon this nostalgic, self-destructive venture all over again.

But here he was, and he wasn’t going to turn back after getting this far.

An innumerable amount of time seemed to pass before Wonshik stumbled ungracefully onto his, once _their_ , secluded spot of the land - a withered old beach hut hidden well into the palm trees that occupied the furthermost cusp of the beach. 

Exhausted, he collapsed onto the wooden bench residing inside it, not one to pay mind to the slight mould developing upon its grossly-aged surface.

In a hasty need to feel alive again, he attempted to take in as many breaths of oxygen as he could muster, abused muscles sore and mind completely drained in a desperate need of nourishment to function. At least for a few moments more.

Shakily, desperately, he retrieved an old photo from the pocket of his tattered khaki shorts.

Upon glancing at it, memories flooded over him like the surge of a tsunami tide, hands trembling as they ghosted over and caressed the figure which had posed beside a younger, much healthier version of himself.

No, who was he kidding? It was barely recognisable in comparison to his mess of a current self that he’d morphed into at all.

He studied the other boy’s features, all those not withered by the tattered paper at least; a treasured souvenir from a much simpler time, before the waves of life had become too volatile, too unpredictable to anticipate all the changes that were to come for them both.

Even just looking at his face solicited too many painful, bittersweet memories of the years that they’d wasted together on this fucking beach. Of all the times he’d plastered kisses onto those lips and cheeks and the delighted, airy giggles that he’d get in return that were only his to hear.

But what was to show of it all? Absolutely nothing.

Hongbin. Lee-fucking-Hongbin and all of the stomach-chrurning anxiety and pain that name alone aroused inside of Wonshik’s soul...

The rich, private school genius who was nothing but a cheap, filthy liar who’d robbed him of time, love and his virginity. Who promised him a life worth more than sleeping on pavements, rummaging for food from sidewalks or trekking for miles to find a sustainable water source for the week. The same guy who’d wished for him an existence absent of constantly travelling to evade being caught and thrown back into the arms of an abusive, alcoholic household by the law, then at sixteen years of age.

_ Anything was better than being back there _ , he only ever continued to reassuring himself. Yet with each day, that only seemed to be feigned positivity at the expense of a foolishly optimistic mind.

Especially how during the only time he’d ever felt whole in his life, that sense of security had been ripped to shreds, forcing him to start all over again at square one, penniless, heartless and closer to death.

At least he had this car to sleep and travel in, he supposed.

But those long drives under pale moonlight amidst tepid summer air proved pointless without Hongbin by his side.

  
  
  
  
  


**☁**

  
  
  
  


As much of a simplistic narrative as this that Wonshik had crafted for himself to make sense of their downfall, he knew that inherently, deep down in his heart that he was only lying to himself.

This wasn’t how things transpired, and Hongbin wasn’t even remotely the bastard he’d made him out to be.

More than anything, the younger man had served as his muse; the only one who’d ever offered an ear to listen to the hellish narratives of lies, lashings and longing and that he once endured in a place that never felt like home.

The unforgettable smile Hongbin had flashed him the first time they’d met on this sacred stretch of land struck a tangible chord in a desolate, naive Wonshik; both old enough become college freshmen at the time, Hongbin would soon be starting his first semester. He was only into the last few months of having to wear a pristine, pale blue high school uniform, and was outgrowing the last of artificially pastel pink strands, slowly beginning to fade into nothing but a weak bleach blond.

The most unlikely of encounters occurred between them all those summers ago, mutually yearning for an escape from their individual miseries, purely by chance. Only the waves and their gentle shared breaths could offer them a sense of safety in this world, assurance away from their vastly different but equally as abrasive realities.

And though it did take some time for either of them to fully open up to one another, their non-judgemental, empathetic presence for each other proved more than enough.

For Wonshik, first impressions always seemed to deceive him though. Deceive him well, and with Hongbin, this had proven to be no exception.

From the start, the way the younger’s deepened voice and whimsical, playful demeanour exuded such an outwardly carefree persona attracted Wonshik in hook, line and sinker.

Heck, the tailor-made uniform was more than enough of a reason to assume that he lived a well-off life, or at the very least, one he was contented with.

However, he’d later painfully learn the truth that this came from the masking of many childhood traumas.

Behind the well-groomed facade, Hongbin served as nothing more than a domesticated doll for his parents, of which paychecks and expensive clothes were tossed towards in his direction to compensate for real affection. 

For as long as Hongbin remembered, he’d only ever had insurmountable expectations piled onto him by his glacial caregivers, who paid no mind to his passionate pursuits in music, instead insistent that he obtained a high class degree from one of the country’s top universities, a stable job and enough children and wealth to be someone who deserved any of their actual attention from them. 

Any efforts to rebel against their stern regiments were met with slaps, punches and utter isolation, and the young man had learnt quickly and harshly in this life that the only way to remain unharmed under that roof was to brunt the unbearable burden as best he could.

Wonshik remembered how much the younger’s body trembled that night in between his arms, violently shaking and sobbing out all those years of woes that had been knawing on to his insides for god knows how long, slowly causing him to internally decay, wither, rot, and die.

The elder boy could recall with vivid vision once their tight embrace had parted, the utter wave of horror that had washed over his mind upon seeing the broken, shattered image of Hongbin whose chest was heaving and eyes looked utterly devoid of hope, merely blackened orbs of lifelessness.

Nothing would ever allow Wonshik to erase the way Hongbin’s lips mingled with the taste of salty, ugly tears as he suddenly pulled him in, letting hands rummage through those bleached locks in an utter moment of madness that despite initially withdrawing from, Hongbin pulled him back into just as desperately, hungrily and greedily taking in the very essence of Wonshik that night. 

The complete and utter taking of one another's body and soul, for what would only be the first of many, many times to come.

Wonshik convinced himself that nobody was ever going to love nor worship his body just as much as Hongbin did.

That was, until the news came.

  
  
  
  


**☁**

  
  
  
  


Three years into whatever illicit, label-free affair that they’d been keeping up (Wonshik often asked what he saw the two of them as, but Hongbin never solidly gave him an answer), out of nowhere Hongbin told him that he had to leave the country, and that he was never come back.

“...You’re _ what _ ?” Wonshik could barely spit out, blood practically at sub-zero temperatures, feeling as if he ceased to exist.

“...Yeah.”

Hongbin’s monosyllabic, monotone response only heightened Wonshik’s terror.

“Do you...D’you know when that will be?”

“In a few months, probably...”

The news still sent a shock throughout Wonshik’s entire system, the static silence manifesting between them borderline disturbing.

“And… How are you feeling about it.”

Hongbin huffed out a venomous laugh, clicking his tongue, doing anything to avoid gazing directly into Wonshik’s eyes.

“As if my feelings are ever weighed into the fucking equation, hyung...”

Wonshik foolished found himself pondering many a time since then, whilst staring into the hopelessly vapid orange-purple hues of sunset, whether Hongbin resided somewhere beyond that ocean. 

He knew that he did, of course. But the younger of the two had never disclosed to him an exact place, not even a fucking country to his face.

“Oh, somewhere foreign,” he’d remembered him musing during one of their countless drunken hazes, among the plentiful carnal marks of possession and innermost secrets that they’d shared.

For a time, Wonshik even blamed himself for being the cause of Hongbin’s departure. That somehow Hongbin’s parents had found out about them, about  _ him _ , no longer able to pass on one of his many hickies as bruises as coming from school bullies or some random thugs. He theorised that his parents had wanted to drag him away from the  _ one _ thing that gave him joy in this life, the one thing he could truly cherish for himself, which hadn’t been paved for the inevitable path that his life was manufactured to follow.

He never got to know if he was ever at fault, though - something that still haunted Wonshik’ to the core, even to this day…

_ If it weren’t for him, then Hongbin would still be here _ .

At times, he even pondered whether he’d only served as a vessel of escapism for Hongbin, something entirely different to his far more structured, calculated life and nothing more. 

If he had loved him, then surely he would have said where he’d be stolen and dragged away to, right?

But then maybe his parents had refused to tell him up until they got to the airport that same day...?

  
  
  
  
  


**☁**

  
  
  
  


The last night that they had shared together was nothing short of surreal.

Hongbin showed up in his Chevrolet as per usual, bathed in moonlight with an unexpected bouquet of tulips to hand. 

He held them out to an almost entirely breathless Wonshik, wearing the subtlest of smiles as he pulled him in, keeping their lips pressed against each other for some time, gently stroking the back of his neck, resistant to let go.

Hongbin needn’t have told Wonshik that this was going to be their last time together; there was a palpable enough energy hanging around in the air, the gentle humming of telephone wires suspended above them as they cruised down a coastline Wonshik could’ve traced from memory with his eyes closed.

Neither of them wanted to admit this was going to be the end. Not in the way Wonshik squeezed Hongbin’s hand tightly in the car or even when they’d stepped out of the vehicle to part ways.

“Until next time?” Hongbin questioned, a quirk in his brow and an unmistakable smile glued to his face.

“Yeah, okay. Next time...”

“...I love you, you know?”

“And I love you.”

Hongbin diverted Wonshik’s gaze for a moment, grazing on his lower lip.

“Kiss me, hyung. Hard.”

And who was Wonshik to have denied such a request?

He knew his lover had been robbed of him like stars from a morning sky; the pain of the summers lost but never forgotten replaying in his head, far behind his eyes like reruns of his favourite melodrama on most of his now lonely nights.

Wonshik sped down the coastline after his session of reminiscing, accelerating dangerously fast down the coastline, electricity surging through his blood. A pointless pursuit of sorts, though his body and soul was ablaze with enough vigour to convince himself that Hongbin remained beside him, just like he always used to do.

He think he’ll let the road steer him somewhere new, to at least try to begin again.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for taking the time to read this!! 
> 
> if you enjoyed, leaving kudos or even a comment would mean the world to me 😭💞


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